Guided Meditation

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGnB3w80b8M

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tu-qZugHXfc

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JNjaB0DoA_g&feature=related

Mean Girls 2.0

When I was young, my friend's mother once told my mom, that I and her daughter are like Potatoes. Potatoes or Aaloo in India is a vegetable that is believed to get along with any other veggies. We were the ones who used to get along with everyone. But as I grew older, I had lesser and lesser people I really chose to be with. If it were based on any merits worth mentioning, I would really be proud of myself; rather I just choose to be with people, who are fun. While I do not think I need to apologize for liking people who are fun, I do think that I need to be less judgmental. I have had fun with all of them at different times...so I really don’t know what brought out this change in me. Just the other day, some of us had gathered together for dinner after a movie and we began making fun of some of our friends. The reaction in one of our friend’s face…was what made me hit myself and say, “I cannot believe I’m doing it again”. I realize that it is very mean to make fun of anybody…let alone our friends, but I don’t know why I do it over and over again. It started with one of the couples, who were the standup comedians in the group. But they would do it, one, on your face and two, be totally unapologetic about it. I on the other hand, do also tell these thing on their face (in a dead serious manner, which I also intend to change) but still continue making fun of them when they are not around.

This is ‘Mean Girls’ all over again; hence the title. But I never ever dreamt of being this person in a hundred years and still, here I am facing the issue for an umpteenth time. One might be wondering why I posting it on my blog rather than making a promise to myself that I would never do it again. Well, I guess it would be because I have made and broken the promise many-a-times already. I even asked my husband to correct me so that I let go of the habit…but it doesn’t seem to help. One, because he is rarely ever listening to what I’m saying, and even if he does…I already would have said it…and realized it before he even gets a chance to point it out.

The other enabler for this issue is that I have a live, enthusiastic and participating audience. As always, I have a few selected friends who are always chipping in with their own anecdotes of what happened when they were doing this or that…rather than just giving me the plain, “Are u out of your mind?” look. And on occasion like the after-movie-dinner the other night when I do get this look, I vow to myself that I will never ever do it again, but as time goes by…the strength of the vow fades out and the need for a funny conversation creeps in….and there I go.

I think this is where the basic problem lies, in the fact that I consider it funny rather than it being mean or malicious. But that being said; I don’t think of it as an excuse for my doings. I really want to apologize for all the mean things, I ever said…and I want to make up to it by promising never ever to do it again.

Wishful thinking

Elizabeth Gilbert, in Eat, Pray, Love talks about happiness in the words of her guru's teachings. "People universally tend to think that happiness is a stroke of luck, something will maybe descend upon you like fine weather if you are fortunate enough. But that’s not how happiness works. Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, you strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it." She calls the process 'Diligent Joy'.

This is a familiar concept for me. I see it reverberated in several other books and teachings, especially in Secret by Rhonda Byrne. Rhoda in her book mentions that one needs to consciously seek happy thoughts. She calls it a frequency which one has to constantly tune into. The moment we realize that our minds have wandered off to the unpleasant memories, we have to deliberately draw our attention back to happy thoughts…thoughts of abundance, love and gratitude. This idea is also mentioned in yoga and meditation. Our yoga instructors use breathing as a form of meditation and ask us to constantly bring our attention back to our breath…and to the awareness that our breath is a source of good energy cleansing away our body and soul.

If this be true, which I am most certain about…then the way to happiness is by leading our lives in constant meditation. Now it might seem like a very difficult task…I think it is, but still one can at least make the effort to stay away from brooding over distressing thoughts. I find the part very interesting where the author Gilbert, tries to meditate the first few times. Her wandering trail of thoughts, that go from one to another till they find that one thought which makes one finally quit, is often the case with anyone who has ever tried meditating. It often makes me wonder, how easy life would be if each one of us stopped trying to control the circumstances around us and instead focused on controlling our own minds…Pulling our own strings, instead of pulling others’.

Beauty is Truth

I am reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. Truly a wonderful book, very well recommended. She is in India now, but before I write about her experiences there, I need to blog about her stay in Italy.

In her last chapter in Italy, she travels to Sicily- the mafia headquarters and apparently one of the poorer regions of Italy. Here she discovers why Italians are such worshippers of beauty and pleasure. Why they would tolerate “hideously incompetent generals, presidents, tyrants, professors, bureaucrats, journalists and captions of industry, but not incompetent opera singers, conductors, ballerinas, courtesans, actors, film directors, cooks and tailors…” For some answers she refers to Luigi Barzini’s masterpiece, The Italians. Barzini’s answer, she briefly encapsulates, has much to do with Italian history of corruption by local leaders and foreign dominators, have led the Italians to believe that the world is corrupted and that nothing can be trusted. She furthers saying, because the world is so corrupted, misspoken, unstable, exaggerated and unfair, one should only trust what one can experience with one’s senses…and hence the heightened senses in Italy. She goes on to explain that not too long ago even the Catholic monks in Sicily with in conspiracy with the mafia, so well....who else can you trust? And if you do speak up, you’ll probably end up dead. In a world of disorder and fraud, maybe beauty is the only thing you can trust, and hence creation and enjoyment of beauty then can be a serious business – not to escape reality, but a means to hold on to something real.

Now the reason I bring it up is because even though I have never been to Italy, I completely understand the phenomenon. I think all of us would agree. When nothing seems to go right, cooking that perfect meal, tasting exactly like you had envisioned in mind…or redecorating your home, or dressing perfectly for any occasion just seems to bring home the point that not all is lost. Or that our lives are not completely futile. When one suffers much pain and suffering (which again is relative to one capacity to suffer pain) that often comes to a point when just nothing seems worth doing, it’s in the mere beauty of a perfectly cooked meal, or finding that flawlessly fitting dress, or the beautiful setting sun, that one finds solace. It is where I found mine.

And I wonder if this is what Keats was referring to, when he wrote:
"Beauty is truth, truth beauty. That is all ye know on Earth, and all ye need to know."

Truth of God's Love

Yesterday, we watched a movie called "Love comes softly" and there was a scene in it, which I found very inspiring. I wanted to put it out there, for me to look up when I feel lost.

Its a scene when Marty, the wife comes to her husband after their barn has completely burned down, to ask him, "I don't understand why the God that you pray to, would let such unthinkable things happen to decent people" to which he answers, "Missie (his daughter) could fall down and hurt herself even when I am walking right besides her...and that doesn't mean I allowed it to happen. But she knows, with a father's unconditional love...I'll pick her up, I'll carry her. I'll try to heal her. I'll cry when she cries and I'll rejoice when she is well." And then he finally says, "the truth of God's love is not that he allows bad things to happen to us, but its his promise that he'll be there, when they do."

I found this piece very interesting. It is often that when unfortunate things happen to us, we lose our faith. So did I. I always thought that I was a strong believer, but I couldn't find my faith when I needed it the most. It didn't stop me from going to the temple every week, but I was angry with God. It bothered me, that when I prayed to him, with all my heart to protect my baby, how could he let it happen? And when I watched this yesterday, it was the answer I was looking for.

Samarasa – Equanimity in life

What makes a good marriage? What does one look for in their spouse? I would assume that like me, most girls would want their husband to have humor, wisdom and compassion – the three quintessential qualities needed for a good marriage. What drove me to write on this subject was a show called “Marriage 911” that I happened to watch on TV yesterday. Most of the calls, I would assume is made by people who are really wanting to make it work. And by the nature of marriage in the Western World, (unlike the arranged marriages in India or the Middle Eastern countries) these people have truly liked each other, fallen in love and decided to be with each other ‘till death do them part’. So what changes? People, circumstances?! Well, but one can argue that it changes even for those whose marriages stay strong.

I am not talking about the hopeless cases where, a spouse turns criminal or has some extraordinary circumstances of abuse which is beyond hope and repair. I am not even asking that people should stay unhappy but stay together. I am talking about why the couples, who were once in love, now have such anger and resentment towards each other that they can’t see past it. How does love disappear out of a good marriage? I think it’s when the blame game starts. As in any relationship and more so in a marriage, the day we forget to take responsibility for our own misery and for our own joy, is the beginning of the end; the end of good times.

I don’t claim to be an expert in good marriages, but the analysis is simple. What makes a good couple? One who is invested in each other; where each focus on what they bring to the relationship, rather than complaining about what the other doesn’t. It is the virtues that make a good marriage, and everyone has some. Equally true is the fact that every person has many vices. I was reading a discussion on the Greek philosophy and the Aristrotle's Doctrine of the Mean, that sufficiently established (1) that moral virtue is a mean; (2) that it is a mean between two vices, one of which is marked by excess and the other by deficiency; and (3) that it is a mean in the sense that it aims at the median in the emotions and in actions.

Needless to say, that virtue breeds virtue. Now the problem here is that practicing virtue is difficult, and it is for this reason that good conduct is rare, praiseworthy, and noble. So, I think what one constantly needs to do, is aim for the median…and the first step should be to avoid the extremes.

Yoga preaches balance. And I think, balance is what the median is all about. Whenever, I am introduced to a new subject, if time permits I always try and learn as much as I can about it. And in learning about yoga, I learnt about the balance. Any exercise yoga DVD or book constantly mentions it. Balance of mind and soul, of thoughts and action. As they say, it is the skillful act of conscious living which leads to physical and emotional wellbeing and happiness.

“We live in a world of expectations, because we are bombarded by images of perfection. It is this feeling of fear and insecurity that makes us complain and grumble for the unfair set of cards that life has dealt to us"

--Barbara Benagh, the Yoga Studio

In identifying the problem, Barbara tells us what the solutions can be. The book ‘Secret’ which I have mentioned in my earlier blogs, explains that the strategy to a happy life, a good relationship is nothing more than being optimistic. Even when times are not perfect, the idea is to make the best and be genuinely content. When bad things happen, you keep them in perspective and live your life with equanimity. Equanimity is ‘Samarasa’, as mentioned in the Hindu scriptures. And equanimity is the median that we earlier talked about. Coming back to the discussion on what makes a perfect marriage, I think the answer is equanimity, which in-turn comes by learning to live life with humor, wisdom and compassion.

God's Play

When I started this blog, and learn't that other people could become members to my blog, I immediately thought of my two best friends. And that’s how the idea, "Over a Cup of Tea" came about. We three always seem to have the most important discussions of our lives over a cup of tea. But then when I stated writing and all that I could think of were these sad incidents, I wanted anonymity. I wonder why? It wasn’t as if my friends didn’t already know about it…I don’t know why baring my heart out to complete strangers seemed so much better than doing it with friends I have know all along.

I guess that was actually not it. It is more that we had already spoken about it, and I guess everybody expected me to get over it, or come to some sort of a closure. But to me, being happy sometimes equals to being selfish and forgetting my loss, my babies. And I don’t know why but I don’t want to do that. And here in my blog, I don’t have any restrictions on how many times I talk about it, and keep those sad memories alive.

Believe me, if it were anybody other than me saying this, I would’ve never understood it. The idea would seem too knotted up in a strange Freudian way to me, but now in my head it is simple and clear. I don’t want get over it, ever.

My blog is not my sad diary, where I have to rant out everything unfair that’s happened to me, No. I have an amazing husband, great friends, loving family and an otherwise really incredible life…and you just have to take my word for it that I am not a sad person. But I don’t want to let go of this feeling…and I don’t have the courage to tell anyone about it, because it just seems so weird.

I think I kind of understand America’s obsession with psychologists…well, not really, but then it is like having a friend whom you are paying to listen to whatever it is that you have to say or want to talk about. And because you are paying them, you don’t feel guilty about boring them and because they are not your friend or husband or somebody you really care about, you don’t think about any of the effects that your continuous blabbering might have on them. Now, that’s kind of cool! And boy! It is kind of weird to think that when God made the world, he said, "...and there’ll be these people who would listen to others." ..I mean I understand the playmates, at least they are supposed to be the comic relief in the play, but psychologists, imagine how boring that ‘act’ would be! No I think they help their characters keep the drama effect in control. You see, over dramatization would just kill the play. More later..Ciao!

Just another day…just another thought.

I often wonder about people like me. What do people do when you are trying to conceive? By the way, in internet language its called ttc. My over zealous spirit hasn’t quit looking for ‘more’ information. I don’t know how much more there really is for me to know; I guess as long as I feel there is even one more new detail to learn, I am up for it. But the thing that worries me is, how much is too much? This is one of the problems with people who preplan their life…I hadn’t planned everything down to the last detail but I knew I wanted to work till probably my ninth month. But after we had recurrent miscarriages, and my boss refused for me to work from home, my husband and I decided that it would be best for me to take it easy for a while. Whatever anyone said, I knew I couldn’t forgive myself if I let this happen again (I know people have told me there was nothing I could do, but I didn’t take bed rest as advised and somehow feel responsible). I wanted to take as good care as possible. And so now I am home ttc. Now this was a choice rather than a forced upon decision, but I cannot even begin to describe how frustrating it is. I suppose quitting my job was a big blow to my self-esteem in some ways, I feel worthless.

According to my plan I wasn't supposed to feel any of this. I was supposed to be happy taking care of myself, eating well (being a vegetarian, I don’t get much protein, so…protein bars and having all fresh produce), doing yoga…and well probably reading all the best sellers, which I had stopped doing. I had decided that I’ll be the best damn pregnant women there ever was. I’ll do better than right.

I am doing all the above, and going for an hour long evening walk with friends, but somehow, I still miss working so much. There seems no substitute in my life for it. I have a very strong need to get up in the morning and have somewhere to go, to be of use, if I may say so. I am not being judgmental here. I know that being a stay-home moms, is a full time job…and often unappreciated. But I am talking of me, who doesn’t have a kid yet. What do such women do in my state? How do you bring forth a sense of being valuable? I guess knowing that you are doing all this for a new life, should do it…but I can’t still get that feeling, hence my obsession to read up so much about it. I read somewhere that whenever you are in any unpleasant/inconvenient situation, try and look at it from a ‘five years from then’ perspective. The idea is 5 years down the line, probably the issue would seem very tiny in proportion, or you may actually see some good coming out of it. And then fretting so much about it might seem silly. Some might say, if only we could have a look into the future. And I’m not finding it any easy either, but nonetheless, I feel it is worth some honest attempts. I’ll keep you posted if it works :-)

“The Secret”

I think I have found the secret to happiness. Well, literally it’s a book called ‘The Secret’. A friend presented it to me yesterday. I am usually not a believer of the “Self Improvement’ section but this one made me a convert. I am on page 46 now. And it just makes sense. For once it is able to help me come out of my powerlessness, and feel there is actually something I can do about it. I know it sounds corny, but it is a really an amazing book. It is so simple and yet so powerful, this is especially for those, who want to but don't know how to or just can't meditate. For those, who'd rather laugh than sulk all day in depression.

I always thought there was nothing I could do, if I'm having nightmares, or if I'm just plain sad. But this is a prescription for all those who are feeling absolutely helpless. Trust me, it works.

They have a film version of it, that I would strongly recommend watching.

http://www.thesecret.tv/

Defective-Piece Syndrome

DPS (Defective piece syndrome) is what I used to call the feeling I used to get after the visit to doctor. The symptoms included feeling low, crying and in some rare cases getting irritated at everything. I am not a sad person, but believe me, over 2 years of going to the doctor and never hearing anything good can bring that on. And yesterday for the first time, I think I did not get those symptoms. I went in for my ‘diagnostic pelvic ultrasound with endometrial pathology’ and after an hour of waiting and filling forms, the doctor came in, and said I had ‘beautiful eggs’ and a perfect martini glass shaped image. I am not used to people complementing my internal organs and so yeah, I have to say, “It felt really good”.

There was no fixing needed here. It was just beautiful!

WHAT WOULD I DO IF I WERE A SUPER WOMAN?

Blogging was a suggestion from one of my friends. He thought it would be a suitable way for me to occupy myself now that I had quit my job. And so when I told him that I did start blogging, he asked me if he could read them; and when I told him that they were all sad blogs, he suggested that I should write one on what I would do if I were a superwoman.
So I want to give his thought a try. When I think of a superwoman, the image that comes to my mind is of Nicole Kidman in ‘Bewitched’. One who could do anything and do it all, and still chose to be a ‘human in the mortal world’. I do not have any fancy ideas about making the world a perfect place. Though, I would be happy if I could ease somebody’s pain, I don’t see myself as playing God. I was always the one who believed that without villains there would be no hero and without sorrow there would be no joy. Again, even when I say this…I have many-a-times wondered who decides that one child be born in the lap of luxury while other suffers unbearable pain.

But anyways, coming back to the point of what would I do if I were one of the Charmed Witches Well, let’s see…I think I would have liked it, I would bake the most perfect cookies…make the most wonderful meal…and I think I would have been a pastry chef. I would have liked having my own cake shop….where every kid would want to go, where every bride would want to get her cake from. Did I mention that I just love weddings? I find it so amazing when one finds true love…I think that’s the best feeling in the world. I would want to be my husband’s best friend, his soul mate, I would want to have a healthy happy kid, and all my life I would always be there for my kids…always available whenever they need me…would never want to say, “I’m busy now can I call you later”. I would want to be able to attend everything that matters to them. And I plan on having a lot of kids, so yeah…I would need superpowers :-) I would want all this and much more…but most of all, if I were a Superwoman, I would never want a single mean or hurtful sentence to come out of my mouth.

I think if I let my friend read this he would be so disappointed, he would have expected me to build the fastest car, travel to moon, and see all places – the highest mountains and the depths of seas. But I guess at this moment going to Machu-Picchu (that’s my dream destination) doesn’t seem that very important. But what the heck let me add that to my list. I would want Ashok to take me to Machu-Picchu.

New Hope

What carries you through hopelessness and brings enough faith to try again? I would have to say ‘Time’. Anyone who has gone through the same experience knows that the one question that haunts you is "what did I do wrong?"

You keep wondering if it is something I ate, or was it too much exercise or even sex. I constantly questioned myself…and I could never pinpoint anything wrong. I had been extremely careful. In the first pregnancy, I felt maybe because I told too many people about it…but the second time around we didn’t even make that mistake. I felt completely helpless. I went back to reading about it, to find out everything that there is to know.

“You derive little comfort from hearing that the miscarriage may have been your body's way of rejecting a fetus that wasn't viable, that maybe the chromosomes were wrong, something genetic and beyond your control. I wanted to be in control, and I was pathetically out of control.”

This was a passage from Aliza Sherman, an award winning author, and it reflects my feelings exactly. I couldn’t sleep. I kept getting nightmares about babies being killed and blood and what not. At that point all I needed was some peace. On recommendations from my sister and friends, I took to yoga. I personally feel, it helped me a lot. I have become a yoga addict.

My colleague recommended the ‘Downtown Women’s OB/GYN’ in New York. I had a look at their website. And in April this year, I went in there for the first time. My doctor there is nice. She looks informed, intelligent and she recommended me to the NYU Medical Centre. When I saw my doctor at the NYU, she really seemed like an angel…very soft spoken and considerate. She offered a series of blood workup and chromosomal analysis. I was just glad that there was someone who was willing to look into the possible causes.

The tests that they conducted are listed in the leaflet below:
http://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/ma2006/information/leaflets/recurrent.pdf

I tested positive for autoimmune disorder. They will be testing again in June. She has also given me progesterone (prometrium 200mg) and prenatal vitamins.

Also an amazing resource for information, probably the best that I came across was this website:

http://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/ma2006/index.htm

In my next visit I told her that I’m not willing to try unless, she could tell me that everything is going to be ok. She answered, “I know the kind of guarantee you are looking for, but not I and no other doctor in the world can ever give you such a word. This is the kind of faith that you will have to find within yourself.”

I am still trying to find that faith.

…The Ugly

The sad saga wasn’t over yet. I was pregnant again in August. This time, we weren’t ecstatic. We were scared. And we knew we had to take it easy, take real good care. The doctor had already advised me complete bed rest. We hired a lady for cleaning and cooking. I had severe nausea and morning sickness that lasted all day long, but at least I was glad that my external symptoms were strong. Even with all the precautions, I started bleeding out in 8 weeks. Here we were again. My husband started crying as well, we really didn’t know why it was happening, over and over again. And this time was worse. We had to go through a D&C.

While lying unconscious, I had a dream that I was in the hospital for my delivery and they were getting my baby. I opened my eyes and asked the attended to get my baby. She rushed the doctor in…and I guess I realized then that it was only a dream. I was so sad and embarrassed. The doctors came in, pacified me, said I was young and it wasn't the end of the world. But it sure seemed like it. Question out to my readers: Does anyone ever get over such incidents in life?

The day before D&C you are not expected to eat anything, which was fine with us (my husband did not eat anything either) but after coming home from surgery, I was expected to eat. I was very hungry too. But I just did not know how does a mother who had just lost her child have lunch? And in what could be worse, it was not over yet. I started bleeding and I kept bleeding and spotting for about 27 days more. And that’s when I called the doctor. I did not want to talk to her ever again. She seemed like the bearer of the bad news. And in some ways, it seemed like an apt punishment for me. The doctor sent me for an ultrasound. They said I had some remaining tissue and needed another D&C. The only thing my doctor had to tell me was that they would not charge me again as it was the same pregnancy. I really could not believe her…nor could I wait to get out and get a new GYN.

It seemed like eternity before normalcy returned to our lives. For us, our healers were our friends, we had not told anyone around (well not till a long while later) and so we pretended to be normal around them. I really think that’s what pulled us out of the depression. When it was just the two of us…we did not know what to say to each other anymore. We would just be near each other…doing our own work. Both of us had a constant need to be hugged and be with each other.

I guessed this incident changed me in more ways than I could imagine. I lost interest in working or doing anything. My career had always meant a lot to me, (it was for me my identity). And losing interest in it meant having an identity crisis as well. But nothing seems too important these days. Life goes on.

..the Bad

I turned to the Internet. Made a list of Do(s) and Don’t(s) for myself. Followed it religiously. One of my friends presented me with a copy of What to Expect When You Are Expecting. Seemed like a really good book. Had rave reviews…and she told me it’s the best. But it did not have any answers when I started bleeding. These books seem to be written only for picture perfect pregnancies.

It was only a drop or two but was enough to get me in tears and for my husband to rush me to the emergency. We knew something was not right. It was the Memorial Day weekend. My cousin in Virginia had been rushed to the hospital the same day for her delivery. She has a beautiful baby boy. Nothing came up in my ultrasound. They could neither see the gestational sac nor hear the heartbeat. After 5 long hours, they diagnosed it as a ‘Threatened Miscarriage’. I was told that in the following weeks I would bleed out completely. I had been crying the whole time, and I really did not know what went wrong. All the doctors kept saying sometimes it is for the best and that there was nothing I could have done. In the coming weeks, I would hear this line over and over. But I could not agree with them. I still needed an answer. Much reading made me think that 1) I would go insane this way and 2) Maybe it was a one time incident due to some chromosomal anomalies.

http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art27561.asp
I thought this will help some other women, who are looking into these issues.

The Good...

I am a Virgo. I like organized, predictable routine in life. I am open to spontaneity, but only a little bit, and as long as it is pleasant. I guess nobody likes unpleasant shocks but what I meant was - most people I know, deal with it better than I do. I am 28 years old and till now or till recently I have had what most people would call a 'normal' life. I completed my college all the way till my post graduation, got a job, got married, came to the United States of A...had a bit of ups and downs but mostly had a wonderful time. So what made it abnormal?! That would be my two miscarriages that I have had over the past one year. Not to mention, quitting my job to 'take a break' and the process of trying to conceive again.

I had a really hard time just dealing with the fact that I had absolutely no control over what was happening. Miscarriages can be very painful, both physically and emotionally. I had read and heard 'When you are ready to have a baby, nine months seems really long', and I used to think…well you know its going to take nine months, so why does it seem so long?! But it does and when you add to it the waiting for the good news part...it can seem like eternity. And everybody, including the celebrities seemed to be getting pregnant but you. After eight really long months we finally got the good news - a slightly positive line on the pregnancy test stick. We did it again. Same results. We wondered if there was something like slightly pregnant, but nonetheless we were very happy. I couldn’t wait to tell my friends and family. We went to see a doctor, got blood test and there it was ‘confirmed positive’. We shared the news with some of family and friends. I was officially 6 weeks pregnant.