Does choosing happiness sound a little selfish?

I am beginning this with the last line of my last post, 'Top 5 Regrets of the Dying' by Bronnie Ware:

“Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.”

When my husband read that article, he asked: “Does choosing happiness sound a little selfish?”

And yes, I did get his point, choosing one's happiness seems like a selfish way of living. So here is my response.

I do not have anything against helping family/friends/relatives/community, but for me it has to be a choice, an active decision. So the narrative has to be, “I chose to help so and so, rather than I felt obligated to help so and so”.

Because when forced into decisions that others take for them, the narrative becomes, “if not for this, my life could have been different, and I, at the end of my life, regret not having led a life that I wanted.”

Helping others, in my opinion, should be gratifying. It should not lead to resentment and bitterness. And if it is an active decision, it won't lead to bitterness, but if it is a passive following, it most definitely will.

I feel every person on this earth has a purpose, and he/she is designed for that purpose. And while we don't get to choose the entire life in one go, we take decisions every day, small and big, that ultimately define our lives. And if other people decide for us, we are leading a passive life. Again, there is no harm is helping someone make a decision, but ultimately it has to be their choice.

Given the freedom, I think everyone will choose to help others. Because doing something for others make most of us happy. But the extent or the kind of help might differ, for some it might be giving to charity, volunteer, adopt a kid, build a school, help a community, ...for others it might just mean being there for somebody; some might lay their lives for the country, others choose small acts of kindness. And it is all justified. If there was just one right code of conduct, everyone would be built like that, there would be no variation…because while we need heroes and martyrs, we also entertainers and comedians, we need charitable businessmen, entrepreneurs, clerks and soldiers alike; we need someone to be mean to us to know how it feels when we are mean to others. We need people to help us climb, we need others to bring us down, when we are flying high.

The gist being, choosing happiness is not selfish; I think that's all that God really wants us to do, be thankful for the life we have been given, make the most of it, and choose happiness and peace. Whatever makes us happy is right for us. So, if making money makes you happy, then it is right for you. But we do know of so many instances where people who feel - status in society, more money, a big home, large estates, or buying tons of things and having big bank balances makes them happy, might not necessarily be happy. They most certainly won’t be any happier, doing more of the same thing. Momentary pleasure should not be confused with happiness. Happiness is one that lasts, that always gives joy! If you are not happy, that's God's way of telling you, your life has gotten side tracked from your purpose, you need to change something.

I think, that's what it means to choose happiness! And I think it is this choice that we have to consciously make all our life.

Top Five Regrets of the Dying

By Bronnie Ware, author of the full-length memoir, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, recently released worldwide.
_______________________________

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.

People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learned never to underestimate someone's capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people have had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn't work so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

It is romance that got us here...

I have a warm fuzzy feeling in my tummy as I am blogging this. If someone were to ask me what romance is, I would be at a loss for words. Why? Because the usual flowers, cards and gifts, or wine and dine isn't really my idea of romance, but then again I didn't know what ‘my idea’ really was. I had convinced myself that I wasn't a romantic, neither is my husband very big on such things, but I was quite sure that I had romance in my life...just couldn't have put my fingers on it.

Our courtship was literally long bike rides to nowhere! We did not once go to a fancy or even not-so-fancy restaurant in our four month pre-wedding outings. We would eat when we got hungry, just stop wherever we were and eat whatever we got….be it a dhaba, a meal bar…or a smoothie! And because one can hardly talk while riding, we would talk till late in the night. No points for guessing that his first gift to me was a mobile phone! We had eyes and ears for none except each other; we annoyed everyone, and hated it, but couldn't help. We went to the same movie three times without realizing, that is how lost we were! I could forever hum....‘you put me on top of the world’, and his cousins and friends told me his smile saw no end. It was magic, but then courtships are always magic!

But that is not the romance I am talking about. I am talking about a lifestyle. My husband when we first started going out asked me, where I see my life to be 'location wise', and I said, "next to him". When I asked him, he said "Everywhere, I want to show you the world!" And that became our mantra, our plan. It is one thing to have a romantic notion of 'seeing the world' and a completely different thing to have the love and commitment to follow the plan through. This is the kind of plan, where you need to constantly let go of a sense of stability for a life of adventure. We were offered a permanent residency in US thrice and each time, we let go cause we knew, if we stayed, we’d be nesting and throwing our plan out of window. There may be people who are rich enough to settle down and still vacation all over the world, we are not. Our only way was to constantly find jobs in new countries and that entails constantly starting over, accepting positions which pay less. It is freely accepting, that in the end, while your friends might end up in big positions, there is a good chance you might not be sharing those chairs.

We got to build our home, the way we wanted. We actually planned every inch of it, the floor plan, the style, the tiles, the color, the fixtures; everything was built keeping in mind a rustic-cottage vacation we took to Jim Thorpe. We wanted our home to forever remind us of that vacation. Our home isn’t big, people who knew that we were living in US for eight years had expected us to buy one of those big posh dreamy homes! We underwhelmed many, but that home is testament to our marriage as a team. For us, it is perfect!

We traded high salaries, big dreamy homes, and most importantly a sense of stability -- for the romance of adventure! We really don’t know of any other person even in our extended circle of family and friends who saved and then readily spent it all taking a huge risk, willingly go for a job that pays lower than what we initially worked for, or for a job that we could not see as necessarily furthering our career, or an investment in college with no expectations what so ever of job that it may lead to, but each only for its own sake! We have stopped consulting others or even telling them why we are doing what we are doing because it makes no sense to anyone except the two of us, who are living this dream…and yes, it was romance that got us here!

We thank God for that!

Can our winning really be without anyone losing?

There are very few books that I can say has changed my life, the way I approach it. One such book for me was Paulo Cohelo's Alchemist, well it is after all an international bestseller, so I must not be the only one inspired by it. But it was not so much an inspiration, as the fact that I started believing in destiny. The fact that all of us have one. I started strongly believing that every child is 'born to win' (another really good book), and that this winning does not need anyone else losing. This belief naturally leads into the idea that we all have a purpose in life, each one of us. And that we are born with the talent to fulfill it. We then owe it to the world to realize it.

Time and again, saints and great men have told us that inner peace is what matters, and it matters because when we are on the path to realizing our purpose, we are 'at peace' knowing that it is meant to be. I still grapple with these questions time and again. I am no longer looking for an answer, because sometimes I know that there are no answers, just logical conclusions. That is my way of resolving issues I feel conflicted about in life.

My unresolved issues in life relate to my in-laws. They are old school, who expect their son and his family to stay with them in the traditional Indian family way. I dread the prospect. It is not as if we hate each other, on the contrary, I have a lot of respect for them for all the sacrifices they made for everyone, and they love me in their own way. And all they wanted in the end was to have a retired life with their only son and the grandchildren (yeah, the daughter-in-law has a background role in their dream). For their part they did want stay-at-home daughter-in-law, a wish which I wasn't told about till later. And more importantly a wish that did not agree with their son's idea of a life-mate. In any case, I am not that person. So needless to mention, I've had my fair share of angry outbursts on their 'unreasonable expectations'. But if I were to look from their point of view, is it really that unreasonable? My issue: that they have pinned all their happiness on our satisfying their dream, which does not even fall in line with my philosophy of life. But then, am I not being selfish? Are we allowed to be selfish, when it comes to realizing our goals? Are we allowed to have a philosophy of life, so contradictory to the family?

I don't feel guilty about keeping my husband, their son away from them. Never have. Always believed that it was his duty to set his priorities in life. One may ask if he really has a choice, I feel he does. And more importantly, he knows he does. It is more him than me, who wanted 'see the world'.

His conscience is clear. He justifies that my purpose needed for me to do my PhD, come to Cambridge, probably leading to being a Prof somewhere helping students, or a research consultant designing programmes for the homeless. I, however am not doing this for any job that it may lead to, I am doing it for its own sake. It makes me happy and I have always wanted to do it. That is the way it has been for most of my adult life: I do things that make me happy and try to stay away from things that makes me restless, sad or angry.

Ideally, I'd want to make parents-in-laws happy and proud, being who I am, doing what I do. I don't want to run away from them, I want to be able to accommodate them in my vision of my family. But for that to happen, they will need to accept me for everything that I am. And sadly, I don't see that happening.

Some issues in life have no resolutions, just logical conclusions. So given that they won't change, what is my compromise? Two fortnightly vacations a year? The problem with a compromise is that you are acutely aware of the fact that it is a compromise. But if not for that, how do we deal with the dichotomy of fulfilling our goals, while crushing somebody else's wishes?

Can we justify it by the theory of 'inner peace'? That not being 'at peace' leads to other vices like restlessness, anger, self-pity, jealousy and passive rage? For my husband (who is a man amazingly sure of himself) the answer is clear, for me not so much! Can our winning really be without anyone losing?

'...it is not that I am perfect, it is that you make me look perfect!'

We recently celebrated our 8th anniversary and the other night, we got talking about the past year and our marriage in general. And we came to a common conclusion: we were two very ordinary individuals who seemed to be in an extraordinary marriage! And the reason for it as my husband put it: "As in a good doubles tennis pair, we make up for each others' weakness". Narrating some of the incidents, he told me he couldn't think of any girl who would be game to move from NY to NJ 3 days after her delivery, just cause her husband said so. Nor did he know of anyone who knowing that her hubby is a procrastinator and needed a push to start things off would take 2 extra percoset tablets and get to packing stuff as she put the newborn to sleep, with absolutely no nagging. He said, 'any other women I know would have complained that in the normal course I pick up your slack, but I just delivered a baby two days ago, and you didn't...Who would be ready to apply to colleges, just cause her husband said that would be the easiest way for him to change projects...and all that while taking care of a baby, cooking, cleaning, grocery, doctor visits, paying the bills, entertaining guests...taking them out, planning the Florida vacation, writing MBA exams; not to mention selling stuff and packing for the big move from US to India and doing every other single job at home and out of home'. It was months of real crunch time for him when he had to leave home at 7.30 and get back at 11.00 in the night for 8 months on an end! He said, '...it is not that I am perfect, it is that you make me look perfect!'.

Whatever he says, I know that any other kind hearted person would do that. And thinking back, I could say the same things for him. Like the times he took care of me, during my difficult and complicated pregnancy...after a hard day's work, he would get up as many times as I'd throw up or be hungry and needed a sandwich or juice. Even soon after Kunal was born when he would be up for every feeding with me, when he didn't have to! I am sure every marriage has such moments, when you raise above the ordinary...but in our humble opinion a good marriage has to be one where it feels natural and normal to do that: when a sacrifice doesn't seem like a sacrifice, when their shortcomings are not something you live with but taken as just part of who they are, when losing your individuality doesn't make your rootless and lost, but makes you closer to each other...and best of all is when all of this happens not as a planned effort, but as a seamless progression! My husband always says, "Being with you, loving you is easiest job for me...and it is always fun!" Well, my reply..."ditto!"

Are we built for our purpose in life?

What makes a good Researcher? When I tried googling this, I got the following:

• Honesty, Logic, Intuition, Curiosity, Persistence and an Open Mind.
• Never try to prove your hypothesis, just try to test your hypothesis. Let your data show you the way.
• Your productivity is only as good as the people that you attract into your research group. Give them the resources that they need to make the project a success.
• Great ideas are good but one needs to really painstakingly develop and follow them.
• Drive to persist. You need to persist when you believe in your ideas, and when others - such as funding agencies and journal editors - don’t.
• Good imagination distinguishes great researchers. To wrestle with the unexpected and arrive at new understanding that challenges old ways of thinking is the crux of good research.
• Keep your mind open and keep yourself up with the new information and techniques. Be positive and do not be afraid of failure.

I was so excited to read this list, because if I or anyone were to describe me, I am sure they'd use the first line. There is a reason why we are the way we are. I wonder sometimes how would it be if I were not so persistent and could comply more; if I could sometimes be less honest -- if I could lie to make someone happy, if I'd be less logical and more emotional, but we are put on this earth for a purpose, and we are built for that purpose. Our job is to find our calling and follow it.

When I asked my husband if it bothered him that I am the way I am, he said, "No, it is what attracts me to you. And I'd wish you spend less time bothering to change yourself and more time being yourself. There are very few people who get a chance to recognize their calling so early on in their life, you are one of the few who knows what it is you are meant to be, are good at it and actually have a chance to follow it... if in future your purpose will require for you to change, you will change."

I love him! And a very happy 8th Anniversary to us:))

10 things that make me happy:)

I had read about this in some magazine somewhere: that 'every now and then it is a good idea to make a list of 10 things that make you happy'. So here is my list. I can safely say that this list has been the same for quite some time now, and however stressed I am, one of these work for sure...the first two work almost always.

1. If my toddler eats well, finishes his plate or asks for more.
2. If my husband decides to take a day off, stay with us a little while longer, come home even 15 mins earlier than expected. Basically whenever he is around, my son and I are all smiles (I know I am sounding really needy here, but hey! it works, and we can never seem to have enough of him).
3. When I cleanup/de-clutter/organize.
4. When I realize my 'to-do' list is over and I can't think of anything to add to it at the moment ( My life last year was at the climax of being unsettled. It always had been that way, still is, but I didn't seem to able to cope with it after having a baby with absolutely no help what so ever. Even today, my heart fills with admiration for single moms. Anyways, my devised solution to having no-control over the circumstances was taking control over little things like cooking a perfect meal, or cleaning the bathroom to a shine...but after having a baby even those small things seemed out of control. It led to a feeling of being completely overwhelmed and living in a constantly changing environment. So I resorted to 'to-do' lists instead of actually being able to do it; my way of pretending 'I have it under control'. I however was never able to finish any of my lists. Hence the joy when I actually see it done.)
5. When I finish a task before time - anything, read an article, make notes, finish a presentation...and have some 'free time'.
6. When I get a good review or some really constructive criticism.
   
7. When I chance upon a really well researched, well written paper or book. Actually even a movie or documentary.
8. Going on a well deserved vacation.
   
9. A long walk with my husband/my mom. In the same category would be a fun evening out with friends or a long phone conversation with my sisters/friends.
   
10. When I am cooking a very simple meal from scratch and it turns out perfectly.
    

I will amend the list if/when it changes. But for now this is it.

The Road Not Taken

I have used the Behaviour Change Communication (BCC) technique very many times in my career. I am, for lack of a better all encompassing word, a “Development Professional”. I work in the field of Social Development – be it any sector. Be it training teachers from one school of thought to another, changing people from one ICT system to another, working with village women to help them want change and embrace new ways, or convincing a whole village to participate in new/alternate forms of livelihood, which they know yield better returns, it always takes a lot of painstaking effort from both sides.

So why is it hard to bring about change? Especially a change that one wants. I’ll take the example of a watershed village we were working with; this example for me, typifies the resistance to change. The village was based on the farm economy. Coconut plantations which no longer bore fruits were to be abundantly found. Villagers knew they had to do something else; because there was no money coming in from coconut plantations anymore. We brought in the Horticulturists and the Geologists who very plainly explained to them what they already knew. That the water table had gone too low to support their plantations. And being the arid areas that they were, any hope for new sources of water was pointless. The experts offered alternate sources of livelihood patterns in line with what they were doing. Everyone agreed, and at 10 in the night we closed the sabha having agreed to find new ways. We scheduled to meet at 9.00 in the morning. But come morning the promises made in the night were soon forgotten. They woke up and followed their old routine. They went to their coconut plantations, tended to it, put in a hard day’s work, sat in the evening – even invited us along under the trees, cribbed and complained about how they would pay the fees, mend their roofs, send money to children doing their engineering in Bangalore, and how the children would all leave them and go. After the chai under the tree, and some complaining they went home to the same worries. To an outsider, it is frustrating. But for them the inertia to change comes out of familiarity. What we are asking of them is to change their life as they have always known it to be, and it can be frightening. So, they do little bits, scramble and convince themselves that of course they are trying. Someday when things get really bad, out of frustration they dig a little deeper, find some more water and that’ll ride them over for the next six months. Assured that there is hope that God’s listening, they go on. Were they the ones who were satisfied with the little they had, rather than exploring everything that they could be?

I stayed in the village for a week. The last day there was my first Tulsi pooja after my marriage and I remember the women putting bangles on my hands and inviting me for pooja. They were trying to convince me to let go of my field work and that there was no point leaving the husband and being here. They felt bad for me that my husband would leave me. Felt worse that it would be for these villagers who in their words, “will not change in this lifetime.”

Ah..the different world we lived in! I cried so much that night after going back to the hotel. But things aren’t always this depressing. There were many villages that took the plunge and made it to our “exemplary list”. Some even from this village did. Hopeless situations we have all been in, but what makes one come out of it and carve the way out.

Watching the popular sitcom FRIENDS, I have always wondered what would Rachel’s life be if she married Barrie? Not to say that life is a bed of roses after, but what is it to lead a life that doesn’t feel yours, but is the only one that you have known. It is surely less frightening than taking on the unknown and in her words, “not having a plan, but thinking that I’m gonna be ok”.

I have to quote Robert Frost’s, “The Road Not Taken” here. It is one of my all time favourite poems.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Beautiful! Everyone has such decisions to make in life. I have had such roads, when I didn’t give my pre-med exams when all my friends were doing that, when I choose the sad B.A. from Jagdalpur college, when I got married and was hated for my guts, when I left my job and came to the US and all I had was a dream to work at the UN or when I cleared the interview, submitted papers for UN visa and didn’t take it up. UN wasn’t what I had thought it would be, but I’m glad I chose that road instead of wondering ‘what if’.

My point in writing this blog was not to sing praises about how I believe I found my right path (I hope I have!), but to point out that we all get there only through fumbled efforts. We all have our moments of doubts and anxieties. Just when we think we have arrived is when we are faced with yet another diversion in the woods. And that the right path, isn't necessarily the easier one, more often than not, it is the hard one. It is easier to think that you don't have a work permit, so not point trying. Is it better to get along with your in-laws and try and please them, than making a point about "they don't get to decide what is right for me"? It is definitely nicer! (I have tried both, and basically given up trying to convince anyone about why I do what I do).

What is the right path for us, is not necessarily the right path for someone else. Maybe there are other Rachels who do in fact marry Barrie and stay on the plan. Life would go on even if she didn't love Barrie. That is the point. The diversions are the choices presented. We can jump onto another boat and head in a different direction or stay put, hoping that this will take us where we need to go. And it is here that having a goal, being sure of what we want in life helps. It provides us with a sense of direction. We need to constantly question, if our boat is headed in the direction that we see our life to be.

And we begin by asking are we on the right path? How do we know when we are on one?

My answer. You know you are on the right path, not because it is easy or always filled with joy. You are on the right path, when you don’t think about all the diversion that came and you never took. You are on the right path when you never think, what if?!