The Road Not Taken

I have used the Behaviour Change Communication (BCC) technique very many times in my career. I am, for lack of a better all encompassing word, a “Development Professional”. I work in the field of Social Development – be it any sector. Be it training teachers from one school of thought to another, changing people from one ICT system to another, working with village women to help them want change and embrace new ways, or convincing a whole village to participate in new/alternate forms of livelihood, which they know yield better returns, it always takes a lot of painstaking effort from both sides.

So why is it hard to bring about change? Especially a change that one wants. I’ll take the example of a watershed village we were working with; this example for me, typifies the resistance to change. The village was based on the farm economy. Coconut plantations which no longer bore fruits were to be abundantly found. Villagers knew they had to do something else; because there was no money coming in from coconut plantations anymore. We brought in the Horticulturists and the Geologists who very plainly explained to them what they already knew. That the water table had gone too low to support their plantations. And being the arid areas that they were, any hope for new sources of water was pointless. The experts offered alternate sources of livelihood patterns in line with what they were doing. Everyone agreed, and at 10 in the night we closed the sabha having agreed to find new ways. We scheduled to meet at 9.00 in the morning. But come morning the promises made in the night were soon forgotten. They woke up and followed their old routine. They went to their coconut plantations, tended to it, put in a hard day’s work, sat in the evening – even invited us along under the trees, cribbed and complained about how they would pay the fees, mend their roofs, send money to children doing their engineering in Bangalore, and how the children would all leave them and go. After the chai under the tree, and some complaining they went home to the same worries. To an outsider, it is frustrating. But for them the inertia to change comes out of familiarity. What we are asking of them is to change their life as they have always known it to be, and it can be frightening. So, they do little bits, scramble and convince themselves that of course they are trying. Someday when things get really bad, out of frustration they dig a little deeper, find some more water and that’ll ride them over for the next six months. Assured that there is hope that God’s listening, they go on. Were they the ones who were satisfied with the little they had, rather than exploring everything that they could be?

I stayed in the village for a week. The last day there was my first Tulsi pooja after my marriage and I remember the women putting bangles on my hands and inviting me for pooja. They were trying to convince me to let go of my field work and that there was no point leaving the husband and being here. They felt bad for me that my husband would leave me. Felt worse that it would be for these villagers who in their words, “will not change in this lifetime.”

Ah..the different world we lived in! I cried so much that night after going back to the hotel. But things aren’t always this depressing. There were many villages that took the plunge and made it to our “exemplary list”. Some even from this village did. Hopeless situations we have all been in, but what makes one come out of it and carve the way out.

Watching the popular sitcom FRIENDS, I have always wondered what would Rachel’s life be if she married Barrie? Not to say that life is a bed of roses after, but what is it to lead a life that doesn’t feel yours, but is the only one that you have known. It is surely less frightening than taking on the unknown and in her words, “not having a plan, but thinking that I’m gonna be ok”.

I have to quote Robert Frost’s, “The Road Not Taken” here. It is one of my all time favourite poems.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Beautiful! Everyone has such decisions to make in life. I have had such roads, when I didn’t give my pre-med exams when all my friends were doing that, when I choose the sad B.A. from Jagdalpur college, when I got married and was hated for my guts, when I left my job and came to the US and all I had was a dream to work at the UN or when I cleared the interview, submitted papers for UN visa and didn’t take it up. UN wasn’t what I had thought it would be, but I’m glad I chose that road instead of wondering ‘what if’.

My point in writing this blog was not to sing praises about how I believe I found my right path (I hope I have!), but to point out that we all get there only through fumbled efforts. We all have our moments of doubts and anxieties. Just when we think we have arrived is when we are faced with yet another diversion in the woods. And that the right path, isn't necessarily the easier one, more often than not, it is the hard one. It is easier to think that you don't have a work permit, so not point trying. Is it better to get along with your in-laws and try and please them, than making a point about "they don't get to decide what is right for me"? It is definitely nicer! (I have tried both, and basically given up trying to convince anyone about why I do what I do).

What is the right path for us, is not necessarily the right path for someone else. Maybe there are other Rachels who do in fact marry Barrie and stay on the plan. Life would go on even if she didn't love Barrie. That is the point. The diversions are the choices presented. We can jump onto another boat and head in a different direction or stay put, hoping that this will take us where we need to go. And it is here that having a goal, being sure of what we want in life helps. It provides us with a sense of direction. We need to constantly question, if our boat is headed in the direction that we see our life to be.

And we begin by asking are we on the right path? How do we know when we are on one?

My answer. You know you are on the right path, not because it is easy or always filled with joy. You are on the right path, when you don’t think about all the diversion that came and you never took. You are on the right path when you never think, what if?!

They also serve who only stand and wait

My friend feels lost. I think I was in her position a year back. I think I was in her position many times since 2007. Different circumstances but same situation. The feeling of being lost...not knowing where life is headed. Life always finds a way out, everyone knows that. But being in the situation is still miserable.

Sometimes we are responsible for our circumstances, sometimes not. In my case, the miscarriages were the beginning, forcing me to quit my job and lead a life, I didn't know how to. Depression accompanied with the constant treatments and drugs, all took its toll. Not to mention, the really unstable nature of our projects and the constant moving. And then life just turned around. I am happy now, back to where I belong...my life more fulfilled than ever. In my case, as with everyone what keeps us going is knowing that someone is rooting for us. Had it not been for my husband, I would have ended up a mess. The moving, the unstable nature of our projects, everything is still the same but I am at a better place.

In my friend's case, I'm not sure what the issue really is. Whatever it be, there comes a time when we realize this one life, is just mine. I am the only who who can and has to live it. No one else, in this case can do the job for us. Lost and alone, left to wonder if this was the life God meant for us to lead.

And this sense of being lost has stages. We try everything that comes our way. Talking to family and friends, ignoring the situation hoping it will go away, trying to cheer oneself up, reading up about others in similar situations, getting a hobby, job or anything that would distract and keep us busy, and sometimes deep soul searching. We wonder how can a series of choices, all of which seemed right at the time and taken with no ill intentions lead to a life so unrecognizable. How can a child that began with such promise, end up so lost?

We question, how much are we allowed to change? Rowing our boat involves what? Not knowing these answers, we still must row. In writing this I was reminded of John Milton's 'On his Blindness'. Milton always thought he was meant to do great things, and at the age of 40 he went blind without really having done much. And that's when he wrote 'On his Blindness' a sonnet that speaks of soul searching and being lost, but having an unshakeable faith.

Wondering about the way his life had been spent, he questions, "Doth God exact day-labour, light denied?" But patience he says calms the murmur and soon replies, 'They also serve who only stand and wait'. The faith that he displays is unnerving. True to his word, he went on to write his best work 'Paradise Lost' after he went blind.

They say God speaks in many ways and best through our hearts. Over the years we drown the voice of our hearts in listening to everyone else around us. Learning to listen to one's heart, and knowing that it is God's voice is a difficult process, but one that absolutely frees the mind and makes you fearless. One that lets you take on a challenge without worrying whether or not you will be up for the challenge, or caring what the society has to say about it, if and when you were to fall flat. You then take on jobs, no one thought you were capable of. You display the kind of courage that comes out of honesty and inspires others.

I wish her that faith. And the courage that comes with that faith.