I
am my father's daughter. I inherited his looks, his rather sharp analytical
skills, his quick decisive nature, his deadly seriousness and dedication to
finish the job he has undertaken, his appeal for a wide variety of
interests, his disposition of being the critic. His mantra was: "If something was worth being
done, it is worth being done well". He means well, gives credit where
credit is due but is really hard to impress. As a child I saw him as the
epitome of a learned man. To me, he defined success. I learned that in order to
be successful, I needed to be his photocopy.
All of the above mentioned qualities have served me well. I was an
above average student, took part in extra-curricular activities, was the school
president, a university debater, and topped my college during my BA and MA. I
was the first of my classmates to get a job, and have two other job offers on
hand. They, as parents, encouraged me to do all this and more. While, outwardly
I seemed to be doing well enough and exuberated confidence, inwardly I had a melancholic
feeling of inadequacy. I was unhappy, and the underlying feeling all along was
that my work was not good enough, I was not good enough and that I needed to
work really hard to prove myself. Not being able to achieve perfection in
everything I was doing was making me unhappy. This was because I never realized
that I was not my dad. He likes to do few things but do them well, I am more
inclined to do a lot of things but do them just well enough. I was not built
for perfectionism; I am a jack of all trades. The fact that I was master of
none was what was making me sad. I was sad without realizing that the world has
a place for Jacks.
Laughing, giggling and being the loud extrovert that I am was seen
as being flirtatious and affected. Not to mention, my having lots of
friends was seen as a waste of my time and energy. My lack of interest in
learning languages (my parents are both English teachers) was evidently
something to be ashamed of. I did not have any knowledge of various personality
types and I saw myself exactly as was described to me. While they did not stop
me from doing anything that I wanted, they were (still are!) not amused by my
choosing to have the ton of friends that I did, and were more
than disappointed by my not taking up language more seriously. I was
(still am) acutely aware of all my shortcomings as was often pointed out. I
know that they mean well. I know that they want me to be the best I can
be.
Then, I met my husband and what a change of perspective that was!
He was attracted to everything that was pointed out as being negative
in me. He loved my laughing, giggling, loud self. If anything he was more lively
and energetic than I was! I, unconsciously, copy mannerisms of whomever I am
with for any amount of time, which was being pointed out to me as being ‘affected’. This, I recently learnt, is a non-verbal form
of communication which helps people gel well and be more accepted in
new/constantly changing environments (I knew God had something in mind to ease
my discomfort while sending me off to all these scary new worlds!). I embarrassed them by what they thought was a ‘put-on’
accent, which I had a hard time turning off. My husband on the other hand found
it amusing that I picked up mannerisms so quickly. He accepted me COMPLETELY. All parts of me,
the good, the bad and the ugly.
I
realized that my not having perfect language skills and all the other
shortcomings need not stop me from being happy. As he put it, every
imperfection put together makes the perfect you. He made me realize that none
of us is ever going to learn everything; we will always be good at some things,
not so good at others and completely suck at a lot many more things. We learn what
we need to lead our lives. If someday you do realize that your less than
perfect language is holding your back, you will learn it. I would question, ‘how
come my sisters could learn language so much better than me’. My dad would answer:
because they spent a lot more time reading newspapers and books. My husband
answered: because you were busy learning other skills such as networking and
making friends which later served you well. It did. No amount of language
proficiency could have gotten me into the United Nations, what I needed was the
ability to make friends. At every stage in life, we all learn what we want and
need to learn.
He parents differently. He believes that the world is critical
enough, what kids need from their parents is unconditional love and acceptance.
It is not - I love you if you become the best you can be, it is I love you
period. He does not believe that as parents it is our job to point out our
kid's shortcoming so that they can correct them before the harsh world points
it out more rudely. He believes that we will never be able to teach them
everything that they ever need to learn and that there will always be the bad
harsh world ready to point it out. He believes the best we can do is let them
know that they will be ok even if they ‘suck’ at a few things. Our job as
parents is to help them focus on what they are good at, so that if and when
they do face setbacks they have the conviction that they are in no way
inadequate to lead a happy, healthy, meaningful life. More importantly, he
believes shortcomings are part of who they are and that it is our job to accept
and love them for whoever they are, whoever God intended them to be.
He
doesn't believe in criticism. Criticism, he says, creates rebels. He has never
read a self-help book in his life, but he lives by the first principle
that Dale Carnegie offered to his audience “Don’t criticize, condemn, or
complain.” His guiding principle: ‘encourage’. Year after year, I have seen
him work with difficult teams and manage to turn them around without ever
criticizing any of them. He doesn’t fret and fume for being given a bad team,
he doesn’t complain if they lose a bid. He’ll smile and say: “You win some, you
lose some. The other team must have put in a better bid”. He might encourage
people to analyse the situation – but I can bet on my life that his words would
be, “what do you think we could have done better, rather than what do you think
went wrong”.
Needless
to say, I have easily accomplished a lot more after having met him and all of
it without that underlying feeling of inadequacy. I have attempted and achieved
things I never even dared dream of – be it learning swimming past 30, or
working for United Nations, getting into Cambridge University or finally having
the confidence to be my own person. He has always told me – focus on what you
have to offer, the rest will come as and when you need it.