The Imperfectionist!

I am my father's daughter. I inherited his looks, his rather sharp analytical skills, his quick decisive nature, his deadly seriousness and dedication to finish the job he has undertaken, his appeal for a wide variety of interests, his disposition of being the critic. His mantra was: "If something was worth being done, it is worth being done well". He means well, gives credit where credit is due but is really hard to impress. As a child I saw him as the epitome of a learned man. To me, he defined success. I learned that in order to be successful, I needed to be his photocopy. 

All of the above mentioned qualities have served me well. I was an above average student, took part in extra-curricular activities, was the school president, a university debater, and topped my college during my BA and MA. I was the first of my classmates to get a job, and have two other job offers on hand. They, as parents, encouraged me to do all this and more. While, outwardly I seemed to be doing well enough and exuberated confidence, inwardly I had a melancholic feeling of inadequacy. I was unhappy, and the underlying feeling all along was that my work was not good enough, I was not good enough and that I needed to work really hard to prove myself. Not being able to achieve perfection in everything I was doing was making me unhappy. This was because I never realized that I was not my dad. He likes to do few things but do them well, I am more inclined to do a lot of things but do them just well enough. I was not built for perfectionism; I am a jack of all trades. The fact that I was master of none was what was making me sad. I was sad without realizing that the world has a place for Jacks.

Laughing, giggling and being the loud extrovert that I am was seen as being flirtatious and affected. Not to mention, my having lots of friends was seen as a waste of my time and energy. My lack of interest in learning languages (my parents are both English teachers) was evidently something to be ashamed of. I did not have any knowledge of various personality types and I saw myself exactly as was described to me. While they did not stop me from doing anything that I wanted, they were (still are!) not amused by my choosing to have the ton of friends that I did, and were more than disappointed by my not taking up language more seriously. I was (still am) acutely aware of all my shortcomings as was often pointed out. I know that they mean well. I know that they want me to be the best I can be. 

Then, I met my husband and what a change of perspective that was! He was attracted to everything that was pointed out as being negative in me. He loved my laughing, giggling, loud self. If anything he was more lively and energetic than I was! I, unconsciously, copy mannerisms of whomever I am with for any amount of time, which was being pointed out to me as being ‘affected’.  This, I recently learnt, is a non-verbal form of communication which helps people gel well and be more accepted in new/constantly changing environments (I knew God had something in mind to ease my discomfort while sending me off to all these scary new worlds!).  I embarrassed them by what they thought was a ‘put-on’ accent, which I had a hard time turning off. My husband on the other hand found it amusing that I picked up mannerisms so quickly.  He accepted me COMPLETELY. All parts of me, the good, the bad and the ugly.

I realized that my not having perfect language skills and all the other shortcomings need not stop me from being happy. As he put it, every imperfection put together makes the perfect you. He made me realize that none of us is ever going to learn everything; we will always be good at some things, not so good at others and completely suck at a lot many more things. We learn what we need to lead our lives. If someday you do realize that your less than perfect language is holding your back, you will learn it. I would question, ‘how come my sisters could learn language so much better than me’. My dad would answer: because they spent a lot more time reading newspapers and books. My husband answered: because you were busy learning other skills such as networking and making friends which later served you well. It did. No amount of language proficiency could have gotten me into the United Nations, what I needed was the ability to make friends. At every stage in life, we all learn what we want and need to learn. 

He parents differently. He believes that the world is critical enough, what kids need from their parents is unconditional love and acceptance. It is not - I love you if you become the best you can be, it is I love you period. He does not believe that as parents it is our job to point out our kid's shortcoming so that they can correct them before the harsh world points it out more rudely. He believes that we will never be able to teach them everything that they ever need to learn and that there will always be the bad harsh world ready to point it out. He believes the best we can do is let them know that they will be ok even if they ‘suck’ at a few things. Our job as parents is to help them focus on what they are good at, so that if and when they do face setbacks they have the conviction that they are in no way inadequate to lead a happy, healthy, meaningful life. More importantly, he believes shortcomings are part of who they are and that it is our job to accept and love them for whoever they are, whoever God intended them to be.

He doesn't believe in criticism. Criticism, he says, creates rebels. He has never read a self-help book in his life, but he lives by the first principle that Dale Carnegie offered to his audience “Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain.” His guiding principle: ‘encourage’. Year after year, I have seen him work with difficult teams and manage to turn them around without ever criticizing any of them. He doesn’t fret and fume for being given a bad team, he doesn’t complain if they lose a bid. He’ll smile and say: “You win some, you lose some. The other team must have put in a better bid”. He might encourage people to analyse the situation – but I can bet on my life that his words would be, “what do you think we could have done better, rather than what do you think went wrong”.  

Needless to say, I have easily accomplished a lot more after having met him and all of it without that underlying feeling of inadequacy. I have attempted and achieved things I never even dared dream of – be it learning swimming past 30, or working for United Nations, getting into Cambridge University or finally having the confidence to be my own person. He has always told me – focus on what you have to offer, the rest will come as and when you need it.