Truth of God's Love

Yesterday, we watched a movie called "Love comes softly" and there was a scene in it, which I found very inspiring. I wanted to put it out there, for me to look up when I feel lost.

Its a scene when Marty, the wife comes to her husband after their barn has completely burned down, to ask him, "I don't understand why the God that you pray to, would let such unthinkable things happen to decent people" to which he answers, "Missie (his daughter) could fall down and hurt herself even when I am walking right besides her...and that doesn't mean I allowed it to happen. But she knows, with a father's unconditional love...I'll pick her up, I'll carry her. I'll try to heal her. I'll cry when she cries and I'll rejoice when she is well." And then he finally says, "the truth of God's love is not that he allows bad things to happen to us, but its his promise that he'll be there, when they do."

I found this piece very interesting. It is often that when unfortunate things happen to us, we lose our faith. So did I. I always thought that I was a strong believer, but I couldn't find my faith when I needed it the most. It didn't stop me from going to the temple every week, but I was angry with God. It bothered me, that when I prayed to him, with all my heart to protect my baby, how could he let it happen? And when I watched this yesterday, it was the answer I was looking for.

Samarasa – Equanimity in life

What makes a good marriage? What does one look for in their spouse? I would assume that like me, most girls would want their husband to have humor, wisdom and compassion – the three quintessential qualities needed for a good marriage. What drove me to write on this subject was a show called “Marriage 911” that I happened to watch on TV yesterday. Most of the calls, I would assume is made by people who are really wanting to make it work. And by the nature of marriage in the Western World, (unlike the arranged marriages in India or the Middle Eastern countries) these people have truly liked each other, fallen in love and decided to be with each other ‘till death do them part’. So what changes? People, circumstances?! Well, but one can argue that it changes even for those whose marriages stay strong.

I am not talking about the hopeless cases where, a spouse turns criminal or has some extraordinary circumstances of abuse which is beyond hope and repair. I am not even asking that people should stay unhappy but stay together. I am talking about why the couples, who were once in love, now have such anger and resentment towards each other that they can’t see past it. How does love disappear out of a good marriage? I think it’s when the blame game starts. As in any relationship and more so in a marriage, the day we forget to take responsibility for our own misery and for our own joy, is the beginning of the end; the end of good times.

I don’t claim to be an expert in good marriages, but the analysis is simple. What makes a good couple? One who is invested in each other; where each focus on what they bring to the relationship, rather than complaining about what the other doesn’t. It is the virtues that make a good marriage, and everyone has some. Equally true is the fact that every person has many vices. I was reading a discussion on the Greek philosophy and the Aristrotle's Doctrine of the Mean, that sufficiently established (1) that moral virtue is a mean; (2) that it is a mean between two vices, one of which is marked by excess and the other by deficiency; and (3) that it is a mean in the sense that it aims at the median in the emotions and in actions.

Needless to say, that virtue breeds virtue. Now the problem here is that practicing virtue is difficult, and it is for this reason that good conduct is rare, praiseworthy, and noble. So, I think what one constantly needs to do, is aim for the median…and the first step should be to avoid the extremes.

Yoga preaches balance. And I think, balance is what the median is all about. Whenever, I am introduced to a new subject, if time permits I always try and learn as much as I can about it. And in learning about yoga, I learnt about the balance. Any exercise yoga DVD or book constantly mentions it. Balance of mind and soul, of thoughts and action. As they say, it is the skillful act of conscious living which leads to physical and emotional wellbeing and happiness.

“We live in a world of expectations, because we are bombarded by images of perfection. It is this feeling of fear and insecurity that makes us complain and grumble for the unfair set of cards that life has dealt to us"

--Barbara Benagh, the Yoga Studio

In identifying the problem, Barbara tells us what the solutions can be. The book ‘Secret’ which I have mentioned in my earlier blogs, explains that the strategy to a happy life, a good relationship is nothing more than being optimistic. Even when times are not perfect, the idea is to make the best and be genuinely content. When bad things happen, you keep them in perspective and live your life with equanimity. Equanimity is ‘Samarasa’, as mentioned in the Hindu scriptures. And equanimity is the median that we earlier talked about. Coming back to the discussion on what makes a perfect marriage, I think the answer is equanimity, which in-turn comes by learning to live life with humor, wisdom and compassion.

God's Play

When I started this blog, and learn't that other people could become members to my blog, I immediately thought of my two best friends. And that’s how the idea, "Over a Cup of Tea" came about. We three always seem to have the most important discussions of our lives over a cup of tea. But then when I stated writing and all that I could think of were these sad incidents, I wanted anonymity. I wonder why? It wasn’t as if my friends didn’t already know about it…I don’t know why baring my heart out to complete strangers seemed so much better than doing it with friends I have know all along.

I guess that was actually not it. It is more that we had already spoken about it, and I guess everybody expected me to get over it, or come to some sort of a closure. But to me, being happy sometimes equals to being selfish and forgetting my loss, my babies. And I don’t know why but I don’t want to do that. And here in my blog, I don’t have any restrictions on how many times I talk about it, and keep those sad memories alive.

Believe me, if it were anybody other than me saying this, I would’ve never understood it. The idea would seem too knotted up in a strange Freudian way to me, but now in my head it is simple and clear. I don’t want get over it, ever.

My blog is not my sad diary, where I have to rant out everything unfair that’s happened to me, No. I have an amazing husband, great friends, loving family and an otherwise really incredible life…and you just have to take my word for it that I am not a sad person. But I don’t want to let go of this feeling…and I don’t have the courage to tell anyone about it, because it just seems so weird.

I think I kind of understand America’s obsession with psychologists…well, not really, but then it is like having a friend whom you are paying to listen to whatever it is that you have to say or want to talk about. And because you are paying them, you don’t feel guilty about boring them and because they are not your friend or husband or somebody you really care about, you don’t think about any of the effects that your continuous blabbering might have on them. Now, that’s kind of cool! And boy! It is kind of weird to think that when God made the world, he said, "...and there’ll be these people who would listen to others." ..I mean I understand the playmates, at least they are supposed to be the comic relief in the play, but psychologists, imagine how boring that ‘act’ would be! No I think they help their characters keep the drama effect in control. You see, over dramatization would just kill the play. More later..Ciao!

Just another day…just another thought.

I often wonder about people like me. What do people do when you are trying to conceive? By the way, in internet language its called ttc. My over zealous spirit hasn’t quit looking for ‘more’ information. I don’t know how much more there really is for me to know; I guess as long as I feel there is even one more new detail to learn, I am up for it. But the thing that worries me is, how much is too much? This is one of the problems with people who preplan their life…I hadn’t planned everything down to the last detail but I knew I wanted to work till probably my ninth month. But after we had recurrent miscarriages, and my boss refused for me to work from home, my husband and I decided that it would be best for me to take it easy for a while. Whatever anyone said, I knew I couldn’t forgive myself if I let this happen again (I know people have told me there was nothing I could do, but I didn’t take bed rest as advised and somehow feel responsible). I wanted to take as good care as possible. And so now I am home ttc. Now this was a choice rather than a forced upon decision, but I cannot even begin to describe how frustrating it is. I suppose quitting my job was a big blow to my self-esteem in some ways, I feel worthless.

According to my plan I wasn't supposed to feel any of this. I was supposed to be happy taking care of myself, eating well (being a vegetarian, I don’t get much protein, so…protein bars and having all fresh produce), doing yoga…and well probably reading all the best sellers, which I had stopped doing. I had decided that I’ll be the best damn pregnant women there ever was. I’ll do better than right.

I am doing all the above, and going for an hour long evening walk with friends, but somehow, I still miss working so much. There seems no substitute in my life for it. I have a very strong need to get up in the morning and have somewhere to go, to be of use, if I may say so. I am not being judgmental here. I know that being a stay-home moms, is a full time job…and often unappreciated. But I am talking of me, who doesn’t have a kid yet. What do such women do in my state? How do you bring forth a sense of being valuable? I guess knowing that you are doing all this for a new life, should do it…but I can’t still get that feeling, hence my obsession to read up so much about it. I read somewhere that whenever you are in any unpleasant/inconvenient situation, try and look at it from a ‘five years from then’ perspective. The idea is 5 years down the line, probably the issue would seem very tiny in proportion, or you may actually see some good coming out of it. And then fretting so much about it might seem silly. Some might say, if only we could have a look into the future. And I’m not finding it any easy either, but nonetheless, I feel it is worth some honest attempts. I’ll keep you posted if it works :-)