Just another day…just another thought.

I often wonder about people like me. What do people do when you are trying to conceive? By the way, in internet language its called ttc. My over zealous spirit hasn’t quit looking for ‘more’ information. I don’t know how much more there really is for me to know; I guess as long as I feel there is even one more new detail to learn, I am up for it. But the thing that worries me is, how much is too much? This is one of the problems with people who preplan their life…I hadn’t planned everything down to the last detail but I knew I wanted to work till probably my ninth month. But after we had recurrent miscarriages, and my boss refused for me to work from home, my husband and I decided that it would be best for me to take it easy for a while. Whatever anyone said, I knew I couldn’t forgive myself if I let this happen again (I know people have told me there was nothing I could do, but I didn’t take bed rest as advised and somehow feel responsible). I wanted to take as good care as possible. And so now I am home ttc. Now this was a choice rather than a forced upon decision, but I cannot even begin to describe how frustrating it is. I suppose quitting my job was a big blow to my self-esteem in some ways, I feel worthless.

According to my plan I wasn't supposed to feel any of this. I was supposed to be happy taking care of myself, eating well (being a vegetarian, I don’t get much protein, so…protein bars and having all fresh produce), doing yoga…and well probably reading all the best sellers, which I had stopped doing. I had decided that I’ll be the best damn pregnant women there ever was. I’ll do better than right.

I am doing all the above, and going for an hour long evening walk with friends, but somehow, I still miss working so much. There seems no substitute in my life for it. I have a very strong need to get up in the morning and have somewhere to go, to be of use, if I may say so. I am not being judgmental here. I know that being a stay-home moms, is a full time job…and often unappreciated. But I am talking of me, who doesn’t have a kid yet. What do such women do in my state? How do you bring forth a sense of being valuable? I guess knowing that you are doing all this for a new life, should do it…but I can’t still get that feeling, hence my obsession to read up so much about it. I read somewhere that whenever you are in any unpleasant/inconvenient situation, try and look at it from a ‘five years from then’ perspective. The idea is 5 years down the line, probably the issue would seem very tiny in proportion, or you may actually see some good coming out of it. And then fretting so much about it might seem silly. Some might say, if only we could have a look into the future. And I’m not finding it any easy either, but nonetheless, I feel it is worth some honest attempts. I’ll keep you posted if it works :-)