“The Secret”

I think I have found the secret to happiness. Well, literally it’s a book called ‘The Secret’. A friend presented it to me yesterday. I am usually not a believer of the “Self Improvement’ section but this one made me a convert. I am on page 46 now. And it just makes sense. For once it is able to help me come out of my powerlessness, and feel there is actually something I can do about it. I know it sounds corny, but it is a really an amazing book. It is so simple and yet so powerful, this is especially for those, who want to but don't know how to or just can't meditate. For those, who'd rather laugh than sulk all day in depression.

I always thought there was nothing I could do, if I'm having nightmares, or if I'm just plain sad. But this is a prescription for all those who are feeling absolutely helpless. Trust me, it works.

They have a film version of it, that I would strongly recommend watching.

http://www.thesecret.tv/

Defective-Piece Syndrome

DPS (Defective piece syndrome) is what I used to call the feeling I used to get after the visit to doctor. The symptoms included feeling low, crying and in some rare cases getting irritated at everything. I am not a sad person, but believe me, over 2 years of going to the doctor and never hearing anything good can bring that on. And yesterday for the first time, I think I did not get those symptoms. I went in for my ‘diagnostic pelvic ultrasound with endometrial pathology’ and after an hour of waiting and filling forms, the doctor came in, and said I had ‘beautiful eggs’ and a perfect martini glass shaped image. I am not used to people complementing my internal organs and so yeah, I have to say, “It felt really good”.

There was no fixing needed here. It was just beautiful!

WHAT WOULD I DO IF I WERE A SUPER WOMAN?

Blogging was a suggestion from one of my friends. He thought it would be a suitable way for me to occupy myself now that I had quit my job. And so when I told him that I did start blogging, he asked me if he could read them; and when I told him that they were all sad blogs, he suggested that I should write one on what I would do if I were a superwoman.
So I want to give his thought a try. When I think of a superwoman, the image that comes to my mind is of Nicole Kidman in ‘Bewitched’. One who could do anything and do it all, and still chose to be a ‘human in the mortal world’. I do not have any fancy ideas about making the world a perfect place. Though, I would be happy if I could ease somebody’s pain, I don’t see myself as playing God. I was always the one who believed that without villains there would be no hero and without sorrow there would be no joy. Again, even when I say this…I have many-a-times wondered who decides that one child be born in the lap of luxury while other suffers unbearable pain.

But anyways, coming back to the point of what would I do if I were one of the Charmed Witches Well, let’s see…I think I would have liked it, I would bake the most perfect cookies…make the most wonderful meal…and I think I would have been a pastry chef. I would have liked having my own cake shop….where every kid would want to go, where every bride would want to get her cake from. Did I mention that I just love weddings? I find it so amazing when one finds true love…I think that’s the best feeling in the world. I would want to be my husband’s best friend, his soul mate, I would want to have a healthy happy kid, and all my life I would always be there for my kids…always available whenever they need me…would never want to say, “I’m busy now can I call you later”. I would want to be able to attend everything that matters to them. And I plan on having a lot of kids, so yeah…I would need superpowers :-) I would want all this and much more…but most of all, if I were a Superwoman, I would never want a single mean or hurtful sentence to come out of my mouth.

I think if I let my friend read this he would be so disappointed, he would have expected me to build the fastest car, travel to moon, and see all places – the highest mountains and the depths of seas. But I guess at this moment going to Machu-Picchu (that’s my dream destination) doesn’t seem that very important. But what the heck let me add that to my list. I would want Ashok to take me to Machu-Picchu.

New Hope

What carries you through hopelessness and brings enough faith to try again? I would have to say ‘Time’. Anyone who has gone through the same experience knows that the one question that haunts you is "what did I do wrong?"

You keep wondering if it is something I ate, or was it too much exercise or even sex. I constantly questioned myself…and I could never pinpoint anything wrong. I had been extremely careful. In the first pregnancy, I felt maybe because I told too many people about it…but the second time around we didn’t even make that mistake. I felt completely helpless. I went back to reading about it, to find out everything that there is to know.

“You derive little comfort from hearing that the miscarriage may have been your body's way of rejecting a fetus that wasn't viable, that maybe the chromosomes were wrong, something genetic and beyond your control. I wanted to be in control, and I was pathetically out of control.”

This was a passage from Aliza Sherman, an award winning author, and it reflects my feelings exactly. I couldn’t sleep. I kept getting nightmares about babies being killed and blood and what not. At that point all I needed was some peace. On recommendations from my sister and friends, I took to yoga. I personally feel, it helped me a lot. I have become a yoga addict.

My colleague recommended the ‘Downtown Women’s OB/GYN’ in New York. I had a look at their website. And in April this year, I went in there for the first time. My doctor there is nice. She looks informed, intelligent and she recommended me to the NYU Medical Centre. When I saw my doctor at the NYU, she really seemed like an angel…very soft spoken and considerate. She offered a series of blood workup and chromosomal analysis. I was just glad that there was someone who was willing to look into the possible causes.

The tests that they conducted are listed in the leaflet below:
http://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/ma2006/information/leaflets/recurrent.pdf

I tested positive for autoimmune disorder. They will be testing again in June. She has also given me progesterone (prometrium 200mg) and prenatal vitamins.

Also an amazing resource for information, probably the best that I came across was this website:

http://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/ma2006/index.htm

In my next visit I told her that I’m not willing to try unless, she could tell me that everything is going to be ok. She answered, “I know the kind of guarantee you are looking for, but not I and no other doctor in the world can ever give you such a word. This is the kind of faith that you will have to find within yourself.”

I am still trying to find that faith.

…The Ugly

The sad saga wasn’t over yet. I was pregnant again in August. This time, we weren’t ecstatic. We were scared. And we knew we had to take it easy, take real good care. The doctor had already advised me complete bed rest. We hired a lady for cleaning and cooking. I had severe nausea and morning sickness that lasted all day long, but at least I was glad that my external symptoms were strong. Even with all the precautions, I started bleeding out in 8 weeks. Here we were again. My husband started crying as well, we really didn’t know why it was happening, over and over again. And this time was worse. We had to go through a D&C.

While lying unconscious, I had a dream that I was in the hospital for my delivery and they were getting my baby. I opened my eyes and asked the attended to get my baby. She rushed the doctor in…and I guess I realized then that it was only a dream. I was so sad and embarrassed. The doctors came in, pacified me, said I was young and it wasn't the end of the world. But it sure seemed like it. Question out to my readers: Does anyone ever get over such incidents in life?

The day before D&C you are not expected to eat anything, which was fine with us (my husband did not eat anything either) but after coming home from surgery, I was expected to eat. I was very hungry too. But I just did not know how does a mother who had just lost her child have lunch? And in what could be worse, it was not over yet. I started bleeding and I kept bleeding and spotting for about 27 days more. And that’s when I called the doctor. I did not want to talk to her ever again. She seemed like the bearer of the bad news. And in some ways, it seemed like an apt punishment for me. The doctor sent me for an ultrasound. They said I had some remaining tissue and needed another D&C. The only thing my doctor had to tell me was that they would not charge me again as it was the same pregnancy. I really could not believe her…nor could I wait to get out and get a new GYN.

It seemed like eternity before normalcy returned to our lives. For us, our healers were our friends, we had not told anyone around (well not till a long while later) and so we pretended to be normal around them. I really think that’s what pulled us out of the depression. When it was just the two of us…we did not know what to say to each other anymore. We would just be near each other…doing our own work. Both of us had a constant need to be hugged and be with each other.

I guessed this incident changed me in more ways than I could imagine. I lost interest in working or doing anything. My career had always meant a lot to me, (it was for me my identity). And losing interest in it meant having an identity crisis as well. But nothing seems too important these days. Life goes on.

..the Bad

I turned to the Internet. Made a list of Do(s) and Don’t(s) for myself. Followed it religiously. One of my friends presented me with a copy of What to Expect When You Are Expecting. Seemed like a really good book. Had rave reviews…and she told me it’s the best. But it did not have any answers when I started bleeding. These books seem to be written only for picture perfect pregnancies.

It was only a drop or two but was enough to get me in tears and for my husband to rush me to the emergency. We knew something was not right. It was the Memorial Day weekend. My cousin in Virginia had been rushed to the hospital the same day for her delivery. She has a beautiful baby boy. Nothing came up in my ultrasound. They could neither see the gestational sac nor hear the heartbeat. After 5 long hours, they diagnosed it as a ‘Threatened Miscarriage’. I was told that in the following weeks I would bleed out completely. I had been crying the whole time, and I really did not know what went wrong. All the doctors kept saying sometimes it is for the best and that there was nothing I could have done. In the coming weeks, I would hear this line over and over. But I could not agree with them. I still needed an answer. Much reading made me think that 1) I would go insane this way and 2) Maybe it was a one time incident due to some chromosomal anomalies.

http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art27561.asp
I thought this will help some other women, who are looking into these issues.

The Good...

I am a Virgo. I like organized, predictable routine in life. I am open to spontaneity, but only a little bit, and as long as it is pleasant. I guess nobody likes unpleasant shocks but what I meant was - most people I know, deal with it better than I do. I am 28 years old and till now or till recently I have had what most people would call a 'normal' life. I completed my college all the way till my post graduation, got a job, got married, came to the United States of A...had a bit of ups and downs but mostly had a wonderful time. So what made it abnormal?! That would be my two miscarriages that I have had over the past one year. Not to mention, quitting my job to 'take a break' and the process of trying to conceive again.

I had a really hard time just dealing with the fact that I had absolutely no control over what was happening. Miscarriages can be very painful, both physically and emotionally. I had read and heard 'When you are ready to have a baby, nine months seems really long', and I used to think…well you know its going to take nine months, so why does it seem so long?! But it does and when you add to it the waiting for the good news part...it can seem like eternity. And everybody, including the celebrities seemed to be getting pregnant but you. After eight really long months we finally got the good news - a slightly positive line on the pregnancy test stick. We did it again. Same results. We wondered if there was something like slightly pregnant, but nonetheless we were very happy. I couldn’t wait to tell my friends and family. We went to see a doctor, got blood test and there it was ‘confirmed positive’. We shared the news with some of family and friends. I was officially 6 weeks pregnant.