New Hope

What carries you through hopelessness and brings enough faith to try again? I would have to say ‘Time’. Anyone who has gone through the same experience knows that the one question that haunts you is "what did I do wrong?"

You keep wondering if it is something I ate, or was it too much exercise or even sex. I constantly questioned myself…and I could never pinpoint anything wrong. I had been extremely careful. In the first pregnancy, I felt maybe because I told too many people about it…but the second time around we didn’t even make that mistake. I felt completely helpless. I went back to reading about it, to find out everything that there is to know.

“You derive little comfort from hearing that the miscarriage may have been your body's way of rejecting a fetus that wasn't viable, that maybe the chromosomes were wrong, something genetic and beyond your control. I wanted to be in control, and I was pathetically out of control.”

This was a passage from Aliza Sherman, an award winning author, and it reflects my feelings exactly. I couldn’t sleep. I kept getting nightmares about babies being killed and blood and what not. At that point all I needed was some peace. On recommendations from my sister and friends, I took to yoga. I personally feel, it helped me a lot. I have become a yoga addict.

My colleague recommended the ‘Downtown Women’s OB/GYN’ in New York. I had a look at their website. And in April this year, I went in there for the first time. My doctor there is nice. She looks informed, intelligent and she recommended me to the NYU Medical Centre. When I saw my doctor at the NYU, she really seemed like an angel…very soft spoken and considerate. She offered a series of blood workup and chromosomal analysis. I was just glad that there was someone who was willing to look into the possible causes.

The tests that they conducted are listed in the leaflet below:
http://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/ma2006/information/leaflets/recurrent.pdf

I tested positive for autoimmune disorder. They will be testing again in June. She has also given me progesterone (prometrium 200mg) and prenatal vitamins.

Also an amazing resource for information, probably the best that I came across was this website:

http://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/ma2006/index.htm

In my next visit I told her that I’m not willing to try unless, she could tell me that everything is going to be ok. She answered, “I know the kind of guarantee you are looking for, but not I and no other doctor in the world can ever give you such a word. This is the kind of faith that you will have to find within yourself.”

I am still trying to find that faith.