What makes a good marriage? What does one look for in their spouse? I would assume that like me, most girls would want their husband to have humor, wisdom and compassion – the three quintessential qualities needed for a good marriage. What drove me to write on this subject was a show called “Marriage 911” that I happened to watch on TV yesterday. Most of the calls, I would assume is made by people who are really wanting to make it work. And by the nature of marriage in the Western World, (unlike the arranged marriages in India or the Middle Eastern countries) these people have truly liked each other, fallen in love and decided to be with each other ‘till death do them part’. So what changes? People, circumstances?! Well, but one can argue that it changes even for those whose marriages stay strong.
I am not talking about the hopeless cases where, a spouse turns criminal or has some extraordinary circumstances of abuse which is beyond hope and repair. I am not even asking that people should stay unhappy but stay together. I am talking about why the couples, who were once in love, now have such anger and resentment towards each other that they can’t see past it. How does love disappear out of a good marriage? I think it’s when the blame game starts. As in any relationship and more so in a marriage, the day we forget to take responsibility for our own misery and for our own joy, is the beginning of the end; the end of good times.
I don’t claim to be an expert in good marriages, but the analysis is simple. What makes a good couple? One who is invested in each other; where each focus on what they bring to the relationship, rather than complaining about what the other doesn’t. It is the virtues that make a good marriage, and everyone has some. Equally true is the fact that every person has many vices. I was reading a discussion on the Greek philosophy and the Aristrotle's Doctrine of the Mean, that sufficiently established (1) that moral virtue is a mean; (2) that it is a mean between two vices, one of which is marked by excess and the other by deficiency; and (3) that it is a mean in the sense that it aims at the median in the emotions and in actions.
Needless to say, that virtue breeds virtue. Now the problem here is that practicing virtue is difficult, and it is for this reason that good conduct is rare, praiseworthy, and noble. So, I think what one constantly needs to do, is aim for the median…and the first step should be to avoid the extremes.
Yoga preaches balance. And I think, balance is what the median is all about. Whenever, I am introduced to a new subject, if time permits I always try and learn as much as I can about it. And in learning about yoga, I learnt about the balance. Any exercise yoga DVD or book constantly mentions it. Balance of mind and soul, of thoughts and action. As they say, it is the skillful act of conscious living which leads to physical and emotional wellbeing and happiness.
“We live in a world of expectations, because we are bombarded by images of perfection. It is this feeling of fear and insecurity that makes us complain and grumble for the unfair set of cards that life has dealt to us"
--Barbara Benagh, the Yoga Studio
In identifying the problem, Barbara tells us what the solutions can be. The book ‘Secret’ which I have mentioned in my earlier blogs, explains that the strategy to a happy life, a good relationship is nothing more than being optimistic. Even when times are not perfect, the idea is to make the best and be genuinely content. When bad things happen, you keep them in perspective and live your life with equanimity. Equanimity is ‘Samarasa’, as mentioned in the Hindu scriptures. And equanimity is the median that we earlier talked about. Coming back to the discussion on what makes a perfect marriage, I think the answer is equanimity, which in-turn comes by learning to live life with humor, wisdom and compassion.
No comments:
Post a Comment