The road not taken…again!

I am 35 and I think I am having a mid-life crisis. I am not sad in any degree, just perplexed. The “crisis” is related to my career as well as my personal life, both of which are going well, so I ask myself why I call it a “crisis”. Maybe it is not a crisis, it is a definitely a dilemma! I have been here before, not this exact choice, but at such cross-roads. It is one of those times when life presents you with a fork in the road, and where choosing something, invariably also means giving up something…probably something you love.

First off, I just finished my PhD from a prestigious institution. The plan, as I told everyone, was to get an academic job. Though, in my mind, it was to have some stay-at-home work time to be with my kid as he was really young. Now, I have a 9 month contract academic job filling in for a sabbatical that ends in September and I have realised, I don’t like teaching. I give out so much free advice to everyone who asks, I had thought it would be my dream job. It isn't. Turns out, I don’t really like giving advises, I have opinions and because I am outspoken, when asked I give my opinions. It does not bother me in the slightest whether people think my opinions are right or wrong. If some other evidence comes up, I readily change my opinions. I am rarely ever in “I don’t know what to do” situations. This is one such time.

Teaching is about encouraging others to have opinions, which I am game for, but the trouble is that most people are not comfortable with having opinions, or brave enough to voice them. My weakness is that I do not know how to engage with people who have no opinions and won’t work hard enough to develop some. The result is that I am a good teacher for a few bright kids, and not so much for the one who misses deadlines for essay submissions, or doesn't give a damn. I am told I shouldn't care about them because the students are in charge of their own learning.  But I know better, because I have seen good teachers. I have seen teachers who are passionate about every last kid in the classroom, about involving everyone, about especially encouraging and creating interest in those who do not have any. If I want to be a teacher, I want to be Blu Rain in the 2009 film Precious.  If not, I need to do something that I am really good at.

This brings me to the second part, I know what I am really good at, and I don’t yet know if I can become Blu Rain.  Part of me wants to be keep going and try and become that teacher who can even inspire the last benchers, part of me thinks/knows I am not that person and wants to pursue what I know I am good at. I am good at Research and Policy Analysis jobs. The action filled, fast paced, happening workplace. I am fairly certain of being able to secure such jobs. That is the kind of work my career was made of, till I became a mum. Then, my priorities changed. I took on a full time PhD which I thoroughly enjoyed. Cambridge has been good for us in more ways than one, but largely it slowed down our life. For the first time in our married lives, my husband and I have the leisure that we didn’t even know we craved for. We've always had a busy professional and social life, but now we are not constantly exhausted. We enjoy the university town lifestyle of riding bikes and living a simple, frugal life. It gave me a chance to develop new hobbies like photography and gardening, and let us have a pet – all of which changed our lives for the better. A couple of days a week, when my husband and I work from home, we have a relaxed lunch and go out for a walk with our dog. This was unimaginable in the fast paced job I love! So, yes, teaching also enables us to have a laidback lifestyle. I can do the school run, be there for my son’s school activities, walk the dog, do some gardening, and have friends over without being exhausted by the commute. Because, most Research and Policy Analysis jobs are in London and even if we were to move to London, any place that we can possibly afford will have some commute.

Now, let’s add to the mix some personal “crisis”. I have a loving family with one kid. We want him to have a sibling; he wishes for a sibling. My husband and I always wanted to adopt a child, and when I started having multiple miscarriages and a difficult pregnancy with my son, it seemed like the perfect solution for us. Adoption, however, has not been easy in our case. We hold Indian passports but have lived aboard for the last 12 years without having taking on a permanent residency anywhere. This seems to complicate matters. We have been trying to adopt since 2011, and we are still no close to even the first step yet.

This makes me think whether it would be a good idea to try for another child of our own, and whenever the adoption is to happen will happen. The idea of having three kids excites us. But again, a part of me that dreads the pregnancy wants to wait, while the other part fears that it would be too late for Kunal and that he would miss out on having a sibling for a considerable part of his childhood.

Also, I need to publish 3 papers from my PhD. My supervisor, who is an Emeritus Professor, has kindly agreed to co-author the papers with me. In fact he is the one who sent me an email asking me when we would start working on it. This is huge! Most PhD students I know of do not have such an involved and encouraging guide. If I don’t publish soon-ish, my data will probably be outdated, or so I feel. If I want to publish, I need to stay home this year. Because, given our family situation, I do not think I can manage a full time job, and write/publish 3 papers in top journals. If I do publish, it will enhance my chances of getting a permanent teaching position, and will generally be beneficial for any career options I may have. I feel if I am going to be home, then this is the year I need to have a second child.

This is the long and short of my situation. It is a good life, which I would hate to give up. I am certain that it is not worth the job I love, if I have to give up so much. But (…oh but!) when I see and read all about such job profiles, I feel I am missing out on something I could have had.

Choices…why do they have to be so hard?! Do I say – “I have been there, done that” to the job I love, and try and embrace the opportunity to become a new person - the teacher I have in mind, or do I go back to the familiar and exciting, and bid adieu to the calm life? When I pose the question like this, I know that the job is not worth letting go of this lifestyle. But, the decision regarding is child is not that easy.

Robert Frost has penned what I facing much more eloquently - 

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

~ Robert Frost (1874–1963).

I keep reading and re-reading the poem, seeking solace in the knowledge that such choices are a privilege; they help define who we become.